I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
