hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
