remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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