Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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