how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
