you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Can I color on your dick again?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
