I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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