im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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