Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
