Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
