She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
