i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
