3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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