I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
