Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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