turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
