Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
