at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
