i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
