I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
