hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
