i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
