dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
