You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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