a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
