So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
