Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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