I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Sober January is a disaster.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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