The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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