I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
