My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's always time for handjobs
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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