I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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