Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
