How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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