Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
