I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
