his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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