youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
