Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
