What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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