happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
