Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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