Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
