I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
