i think i have herpe
just one?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My dick has a subreddit
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
