So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
