Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
