He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
