I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
