Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize