Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
