Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
