If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize