have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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