I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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