i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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