That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
